And the Academy Award Goes to...Kyle Busch?

Although the dummies at "The Academy" have scheduled their piddly little awards ceremony for the same time slot as the Auto Club 500 (again), I'd hate for race fans to miss out on the parade of golden trophies, acceptance speeches and red carpet couture. So, per special request, the Academy members have held an emergency, private meeting and cast their votes for the best performances in NASCAR. May I have the envelope please?

Best Lead Driver in a Dramatic Role: Though other drivers have campaigned hard for this award, was the outcome ever in doubt? This Oscar goes to Kyle Busch--the man who's bringing drama back to motorsports. Bold, brash and pretty darn talented, this hothead has single-handedly instigated rivalries with just about everyone in the sport including Dale Jr, Jeff Gordon, Carl Edwards, Ron Hornaday, Kevin Harvick, Rod Blagojevich (OK, now that last one I made up, but you get my point). To tell the truth, there's something curiously admirable about a guy who can make so many enemies and still win so many races.

Best Paint Scheme Design: Now that the Academy has finally figured out that Tony has traded one Depot for another and that Bobby Labonte drives the car with the big Ask.com, they've been able to cast an educated vote. In an almost unanimous decision, this award goes to the #24 car, Jeff Gordon. His new paint job is both fast, furious and fabulous.

Most Uncomfortable On-Screen Moment: When Michael Waltrip pretended his beer bottle was a (ummm, how shall I say this in polite company?) "private appendage" during the Bud Shootout Selection Show, was I the only one who felt violated? Two things: not funny and ewww - there are kids watching! Note to Michael: no one wants to see your bottle.

Best Signature Post-Race Move: Like, the burnout is so cliche already! It takes some real creative types to come up with a new way to celebrate a checkered flag. From Carl Edwards' back flippin' to Tony Stewart's fence climbin' there are a few drivers who know how to put their own spin on a win. But again, this award goes to Kyle Busch. Who else could bow to a crowd with such bravado, while being pelted with a fusillade of boos and seat cushions?

The "There's No Crying In NASCAR" Acheivement Award: As evidenced by his remarks on the radio as the Daytona 500 wound down, Elliott Sadler was clearly distraught by his inability to pull out a win. Although I could not see his face for the helmet, glare and safety net, I have it on good authority that he did not burst into tears--for which race fans are grateful. Elliott, look on the bright side, you're in the top five in points!

The Best Director Award: There were some strong contenders in this category: Steve Addington, Bob Osborne and Todd Berrier, just to name a few. But for sheer performance when it counts and the ability to lead his team to win after win, this Oscar goes to Chad Knaus. In addition to being a record-breaking crew chief, he may also be the smartest man in the Sprint Cup Garage.

Best Soundtrack: This one's easy. Tony Stewart's heartfelt and melodic rendition of "Ole, Ole, Ole" while taking the lead in the Daytona 500. Tony, do you take requests? I hear that "Freebird" song is pretty popular...